Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn’t work. FML

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend’s house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom’s favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She …

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

Today, I was over at a friend’s house. I guess she never mentioned to her mom that she had been teaching me Chinese because I understood her mom perfectly when she said “I thought I told you not to bring that b**** over anymore.” FML

Today, I bought my girlfriend an expensive chihuahua puppy because she was never allowed to have one as a kid. She was so excited and happy so she leaned in to give it a kiss. It bit her in the face, she had to get stitches, and they put the $500 dog…

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth out. My mom didn’t get my prescription for painkillers because she thought I’d get addicted. FML

Today, I was bragging endlessly to my friends about my new $900 laptop. I then tripped and dropped it down the wooden stairs. FML

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven’t sent him any. Ever. FML

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we’re “dati…

Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend’s house, sleeping in his sister’s room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter’s necklace. She hid…

Today, I saw a lady holding the cutest, chubbiest baby so I tried to sneak a picture. At the very moment I took the picture, she caught me and asked me what I was doing. I said I wanted her baby. She didn’t take that too well. FML

Today, I arranged rose petals on our bed saying “I love you.” When my boyfriend got home from work, even though candles were burning enough to see clearly, he asks “what the hell IS this mess?!” and made me clear it up. Needless to say, I didn’t get a…

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

Today, I was at a museum on a tour, when a lady with a huge purse knocked over a display. I tried to catch it, but it was heavy and I couldn’t get hold of it. The tour guide blamed me in front of the whole group, and the lady didn’t speak up. I’m not a…

Today, I came home from vacation to discover that one of my friends had broken into my house, painted my room a hideous color, ruined my hardwood floors with the paint, and left huge mess for me to clean. When I confronted her about it, she called me u…