Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn’t napping. He died. FML

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn’t bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn’t in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, “She’s on her period and didn’t want the pool to get dirty!” Thanks. FML

Today, at work, I answered the phone politely like I always do. The call was for my manager, so I stayed on the line until he picked up the phone, as we don’t have a “hold” button. Before I hung up, I heard the caller say, “Who was that bitch that an…

Today, I was giving a belly scratch to a stranger’s dog, and I saw what I thought was a tumor. I touched it, only to find out that it was in fact the dog’s nuts, not an abnormal growth. My first trip to second base involved groping a Corgi in public. FML

Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have “the shits.” FML

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn’t tell me…

Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I’m an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he ‘couldn’t afford it.’ Oh, and he’s making me feed the dog while…

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don’t have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my …

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad’s Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML