Today, because of plumbing issues, most of the water in my house is off. The only toilet that works is in my parents room. They are asleep, and the door is locked. The only other water is my bathroom sink. I’m a girl, and peeing in my sink is by far on…

Today, there was going to be a promotion soon. I headed to the bathroom before starting my shift. My boss stopped me and said, “Restroom is for paying customers only.” I’ve worked there for three years. FML

Today, was my uncle’s funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn’t change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bob…

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

Today, I superglued my headphones back together. They weren’t dry before I put them back in my ears. FML

Today, I was taking care of a friend’s hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

Today, I broke my ankle on jagged rocks from a 7 foot drop, which my friends pushed me off of while playing tag. Like the good friends they are, they continued to play the game regardless of my screams of despair and pain. FML

Today, at my new job, I was making a series of phone calls. To dial an outside number we need to dial nine, then one, and then area code. I accidentally dialed 911 twice and hung up. Ten minutes later the police showed up at my office. FML

Today, I woke up on top of my dorm. Apparently my friends thought it would be funny to move me while I was sleeping. The only way to get off the roof is if someone opens the latch to get up from the inside. My friends forgot about me and I missed two i…

Today, I found out my Italian husband had fake wedding pictures made to send to his parents so they wouldn’t know he married an American girl. FML

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, “You should lose a lot of weight.”…

Today, I was taking a shower and my husband wasn’t home, or so I thought. He sneaked into the bathroom and pulled the shower curtain back as a prank. I was so scared I fell on the edge of the tub. I’m 8 months pregnant. FML

Today, my boss told me I was the most valuable worker he had. An hour later, I found out I make a third what the newest member of the staff does. FML