Today, my son poured a kettle of boiling water down my back. Why? He thought it would be hilarious. FML

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years proposed to me. Thinking it was a joke, I refused, laughing. It wasn’t a joke, and he dumped me. The sad part is that I actually wanted to marry him. FML

Today, I was told that I have pink eye in both eyes, that I can’t wear contacts for a week, and that I need to throw out the ones I’ve been wearing. I have terrible eyesight, I lost my glasses last month, and this was my last pair of contacts. FML

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can’t decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infest…

Today, I learned that if you don’t wrap your hair around a bristled curling iron the correct way, you end up getting it stuck, not to mention frying it. Three inches of my hair is now in the trash. FML

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, “That’s hilarious.” FML

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

Today, I got the haircut I’ve been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I’m scared to go. FML

Today, I was feeling in the mood, so I walked into the kitchen with only my boxers on and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to get in bed. She said, “Okay, but make sure to finish before Gossip Girl starts.” FML

Today, my dad called me four different names before he got it right. This wasn’t the first time. FML

Today, while making some toast I noticed a strange smell coming from the toaster. I leaned over the toaster trying to see if anything was in there, at the same moment as the toast was finished and popped up. A burnt cockroach came with it and hit me in…

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

Today, I bought a new, expensive face moisturizer. However, it smells like poop. I paid $20 dollars to make my face smell like shit. FML