Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she’s running for mayor. She’s been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son’s bedroom because my son wanted to build a “secret entrance.” FML

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn’t listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, com…

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say “Let’s just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume.” She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, “Hey, you don’t look like crap today.” FML

Today, I was asked by my boss to prepare the 2011 budget for a medical center that serves 32,000 patients. I am a summer intern, have no budgeting experience, and have never taken a finance class. FML

Today, I learned that my apartment’s walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I’ve lived in this apartment for three years. I’ve been single and horny for all of them. FML

Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I’m not gay, but I’m afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said no, because she wasn’t sure we would last. We’ve been together for over 10 years, and we have two kids age 7 and 4. FML

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won’t be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML