Today, my very overprotective dad finally let my boyfriend stay the night. My bed creaks a lot. While we were fidgeting to get comfy, my dad burst in with a chair leg screaming at my boyfriend to get out. He was so scared he shit himself. FML

Today, after slamming on my breaks to avoid hitting a car driving in the wrong lane, I had to listen to my father and grandfather talking about how their sacks got “squished” in their pants, and how it might hurt their “action” for a while. Then they j…

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn’t really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

Today, I woke up to find out that I peed the bed. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t sharing it with 3 other people, and if the bed wasn’t an air mattress. FML

Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed “STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!” To which they responded by moving in front of MY h…

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I’m “not the girl for her son” and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

Today, I came to visit my dad for the weekend. Ten minutes after I’d settled in, my dad gets a phone call. His friend invited him to go to a bar across the street for some drinks. He accepted. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Instead of being normal, and leaving. He stayed and cried on my shoulder. Then decided that in a month, when I “clear my mind,” we’re going to get back together. I had to agree so he would stop crying, but he didn’t…

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest…

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a “Nemo” fish. I explained that ‘Nemo’ needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, “C…

Today, I found out my husband and his co-workers make fun of my cooking skills when I pack my husband food for lunch. FML

Today, my doctor told me I had “abnormally large breasts.” This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t a 20 year old man. FML

Today, my sister decided to tickle my right foot. I recently dislocated my right knee cap and am unable to move my leg at all. I screamed out of pain. This is the third time she has done this this week. FML