Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn’t kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look lik…

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn’t recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards …

Today, I walked in on my mom’s boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn’t stop. FML

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey’s stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was…

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: “Our political differences will likely escalate to violence.” FML

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I’d also knocked over the tab…

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn’t for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

Today, whilst working on my final year TV journalism project, I remembered how notorious our programme is for crashing at inopportune moments. After a particularly tricky bit of work, I happily pushed save. In doing so, it triggered the programme to cr…

Today, after my husband’s phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his “boss”, naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, “Are you still coming over to…

Today, it’s my nephew’s second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML